190 words, written by us as a teaching example — not a verified exam script. Read it, then attempt the question yourself.
“The diagram shows the stages involved in commercial bread production.”Model answer
190 wordsP1The diagram shows the stages involved in the commercial production of bread, from the initial mixing of ingredients through to the packaged product reaching consumers.
P2Overall, the process is linear and comprises seven main stages, beginning with the combining of raw ingredients and ending with the packaged loaves being delivered to shops.
P3First, the four key ingredients, flour, water, yeast, and salt, are combined and the dough is mixed and kneaded for approximately ten minutes until smooth. The dough is then placed in a warm environment and left to rise for one hour during this first proving stage. After this, the risen dough is knocked back to release excess gas, divided, and shaped into individual loaves.
P4The shaped loaves are then set aside for a second proving period of 45 minutes, which gives the bread additional volume and texture. Once this stage is complete, the loaves are placed in an oven and baked at 220 degrees Celsius for 30 minutes. After baking, the loaves are removed and allowed to cool fully before being sliced. Finally, the sliced bread is packaged and dispatched for delivery to retailers, completing the production process.
Write your answer in the exam workspace and see how your four marks compare to the model’s.
Varied sequencing language throughout: 'first', 'then', 'after this', 'once this stage is complete', 'finally'.
Passive voice is used accurately and consistently for every man-made production step.
Now you
Reading a model ≠ writing one. Attempt the same question now, while the moves are fresh — then compare your grading side by side.
Write it nowCriterion breakdown
What keeps it from higher
The phrase 'after this' appears twice in close proximity; replacing one instance with an alternative sequencer would add further variety.